Self-Compassion: Too Much or Not Enough?

Do you ever ask yourself if you’re giving yourself too much self-compassion? Maybe you need a bit more tough love to succeed with your habits?

Stick around, and I’m going to answer that question for you.

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My name is Jimena Ramirez. I’m a behavior change coach and the director of coaching and program strategy here at Body Brain Alliance.

What Is a Compassionate Approach?

With our coaching clients and the products we offer, we use a compassionate approach as one of our pillars.

A compassionate approach doesn’t mean that we don’t push you to try to be better or to change. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have direct and hard conversations. It means that we don’t believe in the “just do it” approach, or the “just push harder” approach.

A compassionate approach means that we understand that everyone is going through something. It is important to acknowledge that — and that pushing and shaming yourself in a way that makes you feel bad is rarely going to create lasting change.

We teach our clients how to use those shortcomings to understand more about themselves, about their behaviors, and how they can change in a way that is gentle — nourishing to them and to their future behavior and to their present self.

We believe that no one is broken. No one needs to be fixed. It’s our mission as coaches to help you understand more about yourself, about the way your brain works, and how you can create conditions for more success in your own life.

So compassion is really about fostering curiosity over judgment — understanding more about how we operate and actually using that to produce the long-term change we’re seeking.

How Do You Know If You Need More Compassion or More Tough Love?

If you’re asking yourself that question, the answer is very likely that you need a bit more compassion.

It is important to mention that compassion is not — and should not be — antagonistic to still taking action. It is about how we are choosing to move towards that action.

It’s about feeling that we’re growing, choosing to acknowledge growth, being able to understand what didn’t go well without dwelling on it, and being able to celebrate what is going well — even if we are not where we want to be yet.

We absolutely encourage you to pair compassion with action, and we want that action to feel authentic, mindful, and intentional — in a way where we don’t need to fear failure as we’re taking action, because we know that failure is not the end of the world. It’s just one more part of your behavior change journey.

What Is the Difference Between Self-Compassion and Self-Indulgence?

This is a difference that clients sometimes struggle to understand. When clients tell us they’re afraid to be too compassionate, what I’m seeing is that they’re actually talking about being self-indulgent.

Here’s an example that illustrates this beautifully. Think about a situation where a kid gets home and says, “I failed my test.”

The Judgmental Parent

In one scenario, the parent would say: “Well, of course you did. I didn’t even see you study once. Go to your room and you’re not going out for the weekend and you can’t have your phone.”

That parent didn’t ask what happened, try to find out why, or give the kid the benefit of the doubt. They simply punished, thinking that would yield the best result.

The Indulgent Parent

In another scenario, the parent says: “That’s fine. Tests are stupid anyway. Let’s just go get ice cream.”

That parent is trying to provide comfort, but isn’t offering any reflection on what could go better, or encouraging the kid to try again. It’s essentially saying, “Forget about it.”

The Compassionate Parent

And in the final scenario, the compassionate parent responds: “I’m so sorry that you failed. That must be really frustrating. What do you think went wrong? Do you think there was something that you could have done differently? Maybe we can hire a tutor to help you. Anyway, we’ll figure it out. Get ready for dinner, we’ll relax, and tomorrow will be a new day.”

The compassionate parent encourages curiosity about behavior and results, encourages action, validates feelings, and doesn’t give a free pass — but also doesn’t immediately go into judgment mode.

We can apply this to ourselves. You probably don’t need to try harder or push yourself, but you may need more compassionate awareness about what did not work — so that you can tweak it when you’re taking action next.

When you’re thinking, “Should I apply more tough love in my journey?” — think about being that compassionate parent to yourself. Be curious. Encourage action. And do so in a way that makes you feel good along that journey, which is going to create more lasting change.

Thank you for reading, see you in the next one!